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Final ever essay. 90%. 

Just an acknowledgement, because a few depression-ridden weeks ago i couldn’t see how i would possibly get it done.

C’est moi, by Holly.

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A letter to myself

Dear self, 

i don’t know if you noticed, but you were really quite unwell again for a while there. Depression crept up on you and seriously knocked the wind out of your sails. 

i know that you know that really. i know that you felt it sneaking up and recognised the symptoms from the start, or somewhere close enough. 

And i know that fear and shame and sadness and so many forms of negativity stopped you from getting help for quite some time. 

But you’re getting better. You’re really, truly, recovering and getting back on your feet again. Still taking baby steps, but back on your feet. 

i just thought that now, while your brain is letting up on itself and allowing in a little bit of light, it might be a good idea to remind yourself of the things that have helped; to note down the things that have struck some sort of balance, so that next time this monster crawls out of the shadows - which it inevitably will - you can have these weapons ready for your defence.

1. i know you hate doctors. i know you hate talking about emotions and feelings and darkness of such a kind. And i know you feel like a failure being unable to survive without pills. But the truth of the matter is that they have helped. The doctors are not as scary as you think and the pills really, honestly, truly do work. Don’t be ashamed to ask for help. 
2. Secondly, it’s okay to take some time out. Sometimes letting go of some commitments eases the pressure a little and allows some time and space and energy to focus on recovery. Sometimes it’s okay to stay in bed for a couple of days - not to wallow, because that won’t help anybody, but just to regain some energy & strength. i know you don’t want to let anyone down, but sometimes it’s okay to ask others to hold the fort for a little while. The world won’t fall down without you. And you will contribute to it better when you’re well. 
3. It’s all right to talk sometimes as well. We were made to be in community with other people. We work better that way. Remember that. Get up and go for coffee with someone comfortable. Talk to mum, don’t tell her you’re “just tired” as an excuse to get off the phone. Go to Psychology and say, “i don’t feel very well at the moment, do you mind if we forget the theories & just chat for a while?” There are people who want to hear it. And, as cliche as it sounds, it really will help. 
4. You really really need to remember to eat. This is the hardest part for you. i know that. i know that when you’re sad and lethargic and fighting all those negative thoughts, your appetite disappears. i know that a lot of the time it’s more than that - that you are deliberately, consciously refusing to eat in an effort to self-destruct. Don’t do that. All those things your dietician told you about the brain needing food to function and filter out the negative thoughts? They’re so very, very true. Eat something. Anything. Order take-away and stock up on ice-cream, if you want. Just remember that you really need to eat. 
5. Lastly, you need to create. It’s hard when your brain isn’t working and your energy is sapped and your concentration disappears and your motivation refuses to let you out of bed.. but creating is what you do. Write something. Doodle. Edit your website. Take some crappy pictures, for goodness sake. i promise you it’ll be good for your soul.    

Do these things, with your curtains open, fresh air in your room and an endless supply of tea and things will - eventually - begin to get better. It may not seem like it now, but things are not always this helpless and hopeless and dark. There are brighter days. There are days of purpose and hope and love. You have lived them and breathed them and seen them before. And there will be more to come. 

It might take a little time. It might seem like things will never improve. But they do. They always do. Depression is a harsh and hateful monster ..but it is not you. You can fight it and you can win. And things will improve. i promise you. 

Most of all, just remember to be kind to you. Feel it. Breathe it. Allow it to knock the wind out of your sails. And then pick yourself up again and move on. Baby steps.. into the light.

You can do it.

There are brighter days to come. 

In faith and love, 

- your very own self.

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